Confidence, most particularly its capacity to evaporate or disappear, comes up all the time in my coaching work. Our sense of confidence is very personal and very human.
On this exact day twelve months ago, I went for a run like I do most mornings, and thinking I was thirty years younger than I actually am, I attempted to leap over an obstacle missed it completely and broke my arm.
So why this story segue? What followed in the days after this mishap would test my confidence as I attempted to push on, meet existing work commitments and pretend everything was OK so I could honour bookings and in doing so I found myself in unfamiliar territory as I uncharacteristically stumbled over words in speeches and left out important parts in my presentations. The inner critic took hold and my confidence plummeted. On the day of my accident, I remember telling the Emergency Ward Doctor to “just put my arm back in” as if this had to be an easy fix, and he looked at me over his layers of PPE and said “not possible”. Everything about that day was direct and minimal. There was no space for discussion or emotion. As we were deep into Covid lockdowns, no-one was allowed to sit with me in Emergency.
I remember my distress, my anger with myself for tripping and my anxiety about not being able to work. When I was back in the Ward post operation, I asked for my mum. “Don’t worry, we’ll call her for you right now” the nurse said in that reassuring tone that only our wonderfully patient and compassionate health care practitioners can deliver. My mum died when I was sixteen so of course the phone call wasn’t possible, but I have reflected on that particular moment often over the last year. I wasn’t surprised I asked for my mum. She was my original source of comfort and confidence. She was the best. There were of course many living souls anxious to come and help me but they were all kept away because of Covid rules. I remember sending home a photo of me sitting up in the hospital bed, arm in a huge cast and flashing my trademark big smile, but it was so forced and false and I knew I had resorted to that familiar trope of constructing a view that might detract from what I was actually experiencing. I longed to be at home watching the State of Origin, a really important tradition in our household.
I wanted to publish this because I ran a workshop on “Building Confidence” today and the stories presented were so brave and uplifting. And the photo I am using isn’t a set up, my running partner took it and when I saw it I was shocked by what my left arm (the one I broke) was doing. Seems like it knew it was the anniversary of it healing and wanted to do its own thing. It’s important we all do that, find joy in moments and treasure our self confidence.
So here we are twelve months later. I am fit, my arm works and Go the Blues!
Written by Barbara Warren (2023)